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Soaring food prices hurt world's poor, really hurt world's fat


ATLANTA. As food prices continue to climb, the world's fat have called upon governments to address the crisis before they have to resort to eating household pets, homeless people, or, in extreme cases, vegetables. According to a spokesman, the fat are "tired, stressed, and want a cookie, now." Latest figures suggest that this would require 1.3 billion cookies.

Recent surges in the price of staple foodstuffs such as rice and wheat have crippled the world's poor, but the world's fat say they too are victims of rampant global food inflation.

"We eat rice too," said spokesman for the fat, Marty Erickson, of Atlanta, Georgia. "And wheat. We eat everything.

"I guarantee, any crappy scrawny little grain a poor person eats, we've eaten it first. The poor do not have a monopoly on hunger."

Erickson said that it was time for world leaders to take "drastic, pragmatic, and trans-fat-enriched action" to prevent a wave of "binge violence" by the planet's 1.3 billion overweight inhabitants.

He said that the world's fat condemned reports of fat people hunting in packs, killing and eating overweight homeless people or particularly plump household pets.

However, he said, "desperate times call for desperate measuring cups".

"We would never condone the senseless slaying and spit-roasting of a homeless person, even if that homeless person had been well basted, and had somehow contrived to die with an apple in their mouth.

"Likewise, if I were to stumble across my neighbour's miniature potbelly pig, say late at night, in my driveway, and I accidentally flipped the pig onto my barbecue, which I had absentmindedly lit a little earlier; and if I were to fall face down onto the pig, over and over again, until I had unwittingly ingested all of it, I would feel just terrible.

"But that's what we do. We eat, and we feel terrible, so I guess I'd get over it."

He also called on the governments of the United States and the European Union to halt the planting of wheat for use in artificial fuels, one of the prime drivers of recent food inflation.

"No carbs for oil! No carbs for oil!" he shouted, before being hospitalized for an irregular heartbeat.