Thursday 9 October 2008

Hayibo

Another grappie.

The devil made me do it, says lone viewer of Hansie movie

BLOEMFONTEIN. The only person known to have paid money to see Hansie: The Movie says he was tricked by Satan. Hempies Smit, 28, of Brakpan, says he had no intention seeing the film about former cricket captain Hansie Cronje, but was overcome by demonic forces at the box office. Smit is believed to have seen the entire film and is currently in a critical but stable condition.

Speaking to journalists from his bed at the Gé Korsten Memorial Hospital in Bloemfontein where he is being treated for severe nausea and diarrhea brought on by prolonged exposure to the film, Smit said that he had gone to the cinema intending to watch something else, but that "dark forces" had made him buy a ticket to Hansie.

"The lady behind the counter went a bit pale, which was hectic because she was Sesotho, and she asked me if I was sure because nobody else in the country has paid their own money to see it," recalled Smit.

Describing the film as "diabolical" he confirmed that its tagline – "How do you start over once you've betrayed a nation's trust?" – was in fact a reference to Cronje's deception and not, as widely believed, a reference to the film's scriptwriter and director.

Smit said that he was still somewhat disoriented by the experience, but remembered being simultaneously overwhelmed by "intense boredom and an urgent need to run away". However, he said, he had remained in his seat "because by that stage Beelzebub was calling the shots".

However Smit said he was trying to remain positive about the ordeal.

"Look, it's a solid film, for a movie made to exonerate a deceased icon by his brother targeting a straight-to-DVD market in rural South Africa," said Smit. "To be fair there were only a handful of weak aspects."

He said that these had included the script, the directing, the camera work, the acting, and lighting and the editing.

"But for the rest it was fine," he said.

He had special praise for Sarah Thompson, the American actress who plays Cronje's Afrikaans wife Bertha, saying that Thompson had brought "genuine nuance to the role with her American German Cockney impression of Keira Knightley sitting on a carrot".

He said the film's other actresses had not had a chance to shine as their roles were limited to walking into the kitchen to prepare food for the men, or walking out of the kitchen having prepared food for the men.

Meanwhile the film's distributors have confirmed that Grey College in Bloemfontein has bought a print and will be showing it non-stop to its pupils for the next 300 years to remind them that nothing is wrong as long as you're forgiven by adolescent boys at your old high school.

2 comments:

Greg said...

I had no idea this movie even existed until i read this. Un-FUCKIN-believable! Who funded this bag of lies? Its incredible!

Dr Phil said...

hansie's brother of course.