Koala Lumpur

I’m about to ship out of Kuala Lumpur, but like most of this weekend, I’m sitting in a plush, air-conditioned lounge wondering where exactly all the excitement is. Downtown KL is really just a maze of expensive hotels and shopping malls, not the messy warren of alleyways that Bangkok is (which is kind of what i was expecting from KL). Of course, every city has hotels and shopping malls, but that seems to be all most people actually see of KL. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure its a great city (certainly a lot of the food is great), I just struggled to find the pulse. Anyway, in the spirit of Alex’s post about her trip to Rome, let me take you meal by meal through my few days here…

I landed Wednesday night and was taken to my rather fancy hotel by a typical KL ‘Budget Teksi’. These are usually Protons with no seat padding and only three functional gears, but they are ridiculously cheap (120 Ront for an hour long ride from the airport to the inner city). A Proton, for those that don’t know, is the Malaysian national car. That is to say they are subsidised by the government, and the taxes on all non-Protons are ridiculously high. Like the product of most subsidised industries, the Proton is a total lemon. I would describe it as a cross between a Mitsubishi and an immobile mound of turd, but you’d have to ride on the unpadded, unbelted seat of one to fully understand. Anyway, I get to my hotel late, and sleep.

The next day we had meetings in the Petronas towers with some oil and gas people who ‘kindly’ offer us lunch out of a plastic box after the meeting. I’m pissed because every meal is valuable, and I don’t want to waste my time with kak food. Anyway, our agent C.K. (a bit of a Malaysian gourmand) promises to take us out for a ripper meal for dinner. He doesn’t disappoint and takes us to this crazy roadside diner in the suburbs where we have fish head curry, mutton curry, and prawn curry with the biggest fresh water prawns I have ever seen, even in pictures. We have some 'local tea' (five roses with condensed milk) for desert.

The next day, more meetings in the twin towers and more shitty whiteman food, but at night, my colleague Colin and I head downstairs for the hotels buffet, which, while a bit low on spicy malaysian food had enough sashimi and oysters to keep me happy. Then we went to the Sky Bar which is right next to the Petronas towers, at about the level of the bridge that connects the two towers. It's basically the pool area of a hotel that they turn into a swish bar at night, and its pretty rad. Especially when the company is paying! We drank many cocktails, most of the ones on the menu, and did i mention that the company was paying?


Next day, I i head out to Chinatown, which actually kind of sucks. It's like the Kho-San road of KL (lots of hawkers selling Man Utd t-shirts). Anyway, when i ran into the Malaysian equivalent of Tony and Guy i was kicking myself for paying so much at Toni and Guy in Sydney before i left. Dang it!

I head off to the Chow Kit market where you can apparently find anything you could ever dream of eating, including monkey brains. I didn't find monkey brains, but i did find an election poster for the deliciously named Mr Tititwangsa (the Malaysian national election was this weekend).

Anyway, for lunch i went to have an assam laksa at a place recommended by C.K. and it was rippah! It totally ponged of fish and shrimp paste, so its not for everyone, but it was awesome (mint in a fish soup? its weird, but it works). Some stir fried turnip with shrimps, and some chili sauce with belacan (shrimp paste) to make the meal complete.


Then, to take my mind off my bloated gut, i head off to buy some pirated DVD's. What else do you do in this city? On my way home I was getting assaulted by loads of pimps offering me their 'business card' which i thought was pretty brazen to do out in the open, and really fucking annoying. Anyway, i'm getting tired of not taking their cards, and being followed down the street, and the heat is really starting to get to me, so i pop into a 7-11 and pick up just what my worn out little Jewish soul needed some Kickapoo Joy Juice! Thanks gott!

For dinner on Saturday i checked out some Malaysian food blogs and found that there was an awesome chinese restaurant near my hotel, so i set out to find it. I dont find it, and turn down an offer to dine with my country legend Kenny Rogers (wtf??). So i check out this food hall that one of the blogs said was also good. Sucks to be eating at a food hall, so to make myself feel better i order two mains. Char kway teow (fried noodles with shrimp, chicken and sprouts and stuff) which sucked, and an oyster omelet which was challenging from a mouth-sliminess point of view, but tasted awesome.

Sunday i'm up early to check out the National Mosque before any Muslims arrive and find that I'm a circumcised whitey (seriously, i signed in as Gregory Smith). Then I ran over to the Museum of Muslim Arts which was pretty cool actually, not least because all of the people were so damn friendly. Then off to check out the KL train station which is supposed to be the most well known building in KL, but the train company headquarters across the road were way cooler, so i took a picture of that instead.

For lunch i headed back to the Central Market for a better char kway teow, and then headed over to what the Rough Guide describes as 'the best south indian curry in KL' at Lakshmi Villas, and goddamn it! the rough guide was spot on again. Three curries and an assortment of sambals and deep fried goodies, all served with some rice, dahl, no cutlery, and a banana leaf for the equivalent of like 15 ront (including a fresh coconut to wash it down). It sucks to have the locals staring at you eating with your fingers and laughing, but one of the guys that worked there felt sorry for me (must have been all the curry running down my chin) and gave me some seconds. Rad!

So anyway, i was pretty worn out by then so i headed back to the hotel for a nap, and headed out later for some more laksas and shopping, but this post is getting too long...

Who is next in the great eat off?