I know no-one cares, but

Because I work on banks I'm becoming a little obsessed. I'm doing my own consumer research so I have nasty anecdotes to drop into the endless conversations I have with these bank dooses.

I opened a Capitec account because Capitec is awesome and will hopefully end up fixing most of the problems I work on all by itself. It wasn't a great customer experience, but who cares when its so cheap, and when I get like 7% on positive balances below R10,000. I just haven't had a chance to start using it, because they don't offer to switch your debit orders across for you - a project for the Christmas break.

Enter the latest experience, with FNB. They have online account applications, which is awesome. Their site also says clearly that debit order switchin is available for most new accounts, including the one I wanted to open. So I applied online for a Smart Accout. It's the cheapest transaction account from FNB at R59 a month for unlimited electronic transactions and FNB ATM transactions. Huge penalties for going outside this bundle (like using another bank's ATM), but it's still a very competitive offering. It isn't a cheque account, so no cheque book and no overdraft, and for that you save R20 a month. Worth it.

Of course with our anti money laundering laws you still have to physically enter a branch and verify your address and and ID number in order to open an account. So I went on Saturday morning, to the shiny Melrose Arch branch. Highlights are:

• The online application process creates a pre-populated customer file for cheque account applications only. So for lowly Smart Account customers, applying online is a waste of time. Site doesn't say that.
• Then, after about ten minutes of her doing stuff in silence, I asked about the debit order switching. She said no, that's only for cheque account customers. So I said ok thanks then not to worry, I don't want the account. Made a point of telling her the website doesn't say that either. Blank face.
  
• Now the customer file has been created but the account is not yet active. The only way to get rid of it is to open the account then close it. For that I have to sign a lot of stuff. So I must wait. It's been like 20 minutes already, and I have other things to do.
  
• She wants R50 deposit to open the Smart Account. I said I had no cash, and besides I don't want the account now that I have been told that FNB's website is misleading about the debit order switching service (or she's poorly trained).
• Another wait while she talks to her manager. Ok no deposit needed as the account will be closed immediately.
  
• Sign sign sign.
• Type type type.
• Ok I need R8 to close the account please sir. What? You must be joking. No, to close a Smart Account FNB charges an R8 admin fee. I said nooit, not in a million years will I pay R8 to close this account.
  
• Another wait while what is probably a very similar conversation with the manager goes on.
• Manager comes to ask me a bunch of questions about my employment status and salary, and tries to sell me the R79 cheque account. I explain that I have a bank account and want the Smart Account with debit order switching or no FNB account at all. He says ok fine, we'll write off the R8, as if he's doing me a favour.
• Write it off? Write what off? This account has been open for a maximum of ten minutes, and never used.

What a joke. And of course they don't care that I spent nearly an hour in their branch without buying anything, because they'll always make massive profits from dopey South African retail customers. Just not from ME!

Nedbank is next.