Pitiful comedy from my white baas
I REALLY, really wanted to, and had planned to, write about how the floors of the houses of African National Congress (ANC) deputy president Jacob Zuma must be sparkling with the sheen of victory after his supporters wiped them with T-shirts bearing the face President Thabo Mbeki.
Then — skande of all skande — the ANC Women’s League somehow forgot that all women are programmed to think in the same way and voted for a man — Zuma — after they had been warned not to vote for “criminals” and “rapists”.
As you can see, my column this week would have been quite interesting indeed had a letter from the land of the kanga, no, kangaroo, great cricket and bigots from this part of the world not landed on my messy table.
The letter in question, which was addressed to “Kaffir Matshiqi”, helped me to realise that dedicated readers of this column needed some comic relief and a holiday from the ANC’s succession battle. So, I decided to share this epitome of erudition with you.
The author (no name was given), who refers to himself as “Your White Baas”, must have been quite miffed when he wrote, “I wasted two minutes of my life reading your piece in the Business Day on Monday, August 6 2007. At first I was tempted to dismiss it for the kaffir arrogance it palpably is but after a while I was driven to respond.” And what a response it was!
What provoked my “white baas” was the column, Seventeen years later, De Klerk stands at another crossroads, of August 3, in which I asked: “As was the case on February 2 1990, De Klerk finds himself at a crossroads. Is he going to seize the moment and rise to the challenge of true and meaningful reconciliation as he did 17 years ago? Will he give meaning to Mandela’s declaration that he is “a man of integrity” or will he choose the path of PW Botha by refusing to embrace fully the implications of his 1990 speech?”
As you can see, I was my usual polite self, but my kaffir civility did not have the desired effect on my white baas.
His contention is this: “While it is true that the apartheid whites did murder blacks in order to further their (whites’) goals, I would like to know the absolute numbers involved. I’m certain the above-mentioned murders will pale into insignificance when compared to the number of whites killed by kaffirs since 1994.”
Even apartheid architect Hendrik Verwoerd must be turning in his racist grave.
Oh, but there is more my friends. The white baas cannot understand why the excesses of Zimbabwean strongman Robert Mugabe in Matebeleland did not receive the international media attention they deserved.
Well I lie, the man has a very convincing explanation. He says that “the media hasn’t grasped the fact that a kaffir is by nature a lazy, lying, stinking, thieving primate that has only three thoughts in his brain: 1. Can I eat it? If not, 2. Can I f** k it? If not, 3. Can I break it?”
No one must tell me that black people are not a multiskilled lot in the face of such overwhelming evidence.
And now, here comes the coup de grace all the way from Australia. My white baas concludes by predicting that “Africa will be ready for recolonisation in 25 years time!”
If your stomach is not sore with laughter, you are going to need to get more airtime for your sense of humour.
And if you think I made up this letter, I swear by the souls of all dead kaffirs that the views expressed in it are indeed a figment of the imagination, but not mine.
If this outpouring of racist nonsense makes you angry, keep your hat on, because I needed some comic relief after what has been two years of really bad comedy in the succession battle of the ruling party.
Furthermore, I am certain that there are white people in this country who think in the same way as my white baas.
What should comfort us is the fact that the success of our nation-building project is not dependent on the participation of all white people. There are enough white people with whom we shall undoubtedly give effect to the dream of a rainbow nation.
As for my white baas, anyone who is this intellectually challenged deserves our pity, not our condemnation.
n Matshiqi is a senior associate political analyst at the Centre for Policy Studies.